


New Kids In The House

by melanie1982



Category: Full House, New Kids On The Block
Genre: Crossover, F/M, Fluff, M/M, Silly, Suspension Of Disbelief, What Was I Thinking?, childhood mash-up, infinite tags, is this crack-fic?, love the band, love the show, no hate comments, practically AU, ridic-fic, wish it had really happened, wonder if anyone else will like this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-12
Updated: 2016-04-15
Packaged: 2018-06-01 21:11:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 12,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6536452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melanie1982/pseuds/melanie1982
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I do not own Full House or any of its characters. I don't own any New Kids either.</p><p>I so hadn't meant to do 20 chapters, but I think it's finished now. That would've been the longest episode ever, ha ha.</p><p>I loved FH when I was a kid. That show literally saved me at times; I went through some reeeeally dark, fudged-up stuff as a kid, and this cheesy, saccharine-sweet fictional family was a lifeline, a safe refuge from my oft-harsh reality. I don't *care* how sappy and unrealistic it is; it was there for me, like a nightlight, and I'll defend it for that reason.</p><p>I also loved (and still love) NKOTB. I would have literally peed myself if the New Kids had done a guest spot on the show. The guys are friends with Candace and Andrea in real life now, so maybe they can 'drop by' on the new Netflix series? *hint hint*</p><p>At any rate, I write stuff I'd like to read. If nobody else likes it, I'll understand. If someone else DOES like it, cool beans.</p><p>set 1991-ish</p><p>This story is fiction. I don't know these people in real life. I make no money from this story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. It Started Off As A Bad Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first chapter. Duh. ;)

The tour bus had broken down; that was problem number one. The hotel was overbooked; that was problem number two. Add to that the fact that there was a bomb threat alert in the heart of the city, and you had the makings of a spectacularly bad day. Flights were grounded, so they weren't going anywhere far until things calmed down. 

Jon was on the brick-like car phone (bus phone?), calling everyone he knew in the area. "Jon, how's come you know so many people in San Francisco?," Joey Joe wanted to know. 

Jordan muttered something under his breath, but Jon silenced him. "Shut up, baby brothah! I keep YOUR secrets!" Jordan just grinned, popping another Ho Ho into his angelic mouth. They were *Jon's* snack cakes, but the gleam of challenge in Jordan's eye told Jon he'd better let that go. A full mouth spilled no secrets.

Jon finally got ahold of a friend of a friend, a distant-by-blood but close-by-geography cousin of the extended Tanner clan. "Really? You did? Are you sure? Ok, great! What's the address?"

The other guys looked on as Jon scribbled down the pertinent information. "Uh huh. Three girls?" Jon shot a wary look at Donnie. "Are any of them even remotely close to legal age?"

Donnie sat up straighter in his seat, unsure of the direction in which the phone-call was heading, but suddenly taking an interest. "Oh. Well, that's good, though - keeps certain people outta trouble." His eyes tried to flash menace, but failed, instead sending the guys into nervous giggles.

Jon's face paled, then reddened at whatever the speaker was saying. "He looks like who? Oh. Um, that's.. oh. Yeah. I'll be careful. Mike, okay, I get it! Not my type, I understand. Yeah. I'll call you later when we get settled. Okay. Bye." 

Danny arched a brow. "What was that last part about, Jon?"

He looked down. "N-nothing. Just a warning not to.. never mind. Look, my acquaintance thinks he's fixed a place for us to stay til the bus is fixed, or til we can get outta this town, whichever comes sooner."

"Alright! Way to go, Jonny boy!" His success was augmented with a knuckle sandwich from goofball Donnie, Jon blushing as he fixed his hair. 

"We're gonna have to squeeze into a taxi to get there, since this bus isn't movin.' I'm gonna pack a bag; I'd suggest you all do the same."

All Jon would say was that the family had a large home in a nice neighborhood of San Fran, far enough away from the hub-bub of city life. The home was occupied by a widowed father, his three young daughters, his best friend, and his brother-in-law.

"I dunno. Doesn't that sound kinda, well, gay?" Danny with the questions. Danny, the normally 'strong and silent' type. Oy. "Not that there's anything wrong with that; just.." 

"Look, that's none of our business. The important thing is, they're willing to put us up for a while. The dad's some kind of tv sports announcer, so he's used to the limelight. The kids are fans, so this could be fun for them, you know?"

The guys shrugged. What other choice did they have? At least nobody would ever think to look for them there.


	2. Very Full House

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meeting the fam

The house didn't look like much from the outside, but once they made their way through the door, they found it was surprisingly spacious. 

Joey dropped his duffel bag on the floor, already making himself at home. "Wow. I've never seen a living room this big! Well, except for you-know-who's house, and he had a freakin' zoo in his yahd."

Jordan made a face. "I thought we agreed never to discuss that weekend," he said, and Joey grinned, curls flopping as he cocked his head to the side. 

"Aww, are you still upset about gettin' lost in Michael's house? You were so scayhed of the dahk, you cried until Donnie came and found you - "

"Man, cool it!" Jon stepping in, ostensibly to stick up for Jordan, though secretly smiling behind him at the memory.

Donnie strolled in behind the Knight brothers and Joey, with Danny bringing up the rear. "Nice," he said, nodding, as though his approval mattered, or his dissatisfaction would change anything.

"Don't these people lock their front door? It's 1991, not 1951," Danny opined, and it struck them as odd that the door had been open.

Uncle Joey approached, extending a hand in greeting. "Hey guys, I'm Joey. I'm a comedian." Donnie, taking the lead, moved forward to grip his hand, but Joey pulled back at the last second, performing a series of hand gestures while saying 'Cut! It! Out!' " Donnie smiled through gritted teeth. A comedian. Right.

The others knew better than to fall for the same gag, leaving Joey at a loose end. "Whoa! You guys left me hangin' tough there!," he said in his best Bullwinkle voice. "Yuk yuk yuk yuk yuk!"

"Joey, meet Joey," Jon jested, shoving the baby of the group forward. 

"Uh, hi. Nice to meet you."

"I LOVE your name!" Was Uncle Joey always this.. animated? 

Donnie decided to get in on the joke. "That's nothin.' We've got our own Danny, too. Ain't that right, Danny?"

Danny hoped his namesake was cooler than this Joey clown. "Uh, yeah. That's me."

Uncle Jesse made his entrance. Jon immediately saw why his friend's warning had been necessary; the man was olive-skinned, with thick black hair teased into a faux pompadour, and those eyes - they were like Rob Lowe eyes, only.. bluer. Yeah, he'd have to be careful not to get too friendly with this one. 

"Joseph, please don't scare away our guests. Go - do something useful, like, alphabetize the dishes. G'head, g'head. Shoo."

Joey, looking slightly crestfallen, did as he was told, muttering as he went, "Why I oughta.. wise guy.. I'll show you.." The guys suspected there was nothing behind his cartoonish malice, that these two probably riffed on each other all the time as a weird exchange of affection. Or something.

"Hi, Jesse Katsopolis. Welcome to our home. Let me show you where to put your stuff. I won't lay down the ground rules; I wouldn't wanna spoil Danny's fun."

Jon tried not to stare at Jesse's ass as he led the way to the basement/garage space. "Normally this is Joey's, but he'll get over it. You guys don't wanna be caught in the middle of family traffic, am I right?"

"Hey, thanks, man. This is great. Really.. great." To be honest, although Jordan was trying to put a good spin on it, the space wasn't big enough for all of them, added to the fact that there were creepy-ass 'props' here and there. Puppets, with big, bulging, unblinking eyes; clown wigs; make-up cases.. yikes.

"Ready to call MJ, see if he'll put us up?," Donnie teased, making Jordan scowl.

"I'm Jorhdan, by the way. That's Donnie, this is Joey, and then there's Danny. Did I forget anyone?"

Jon cleared his throat. "Oh yeah. This is my bro, Jon."

Jesse gave a killer smile, like he was actually excited that they were there. "Cool. I actually play a little music myself, so, if you guys wanna jam, let me know, okay? I'm right upstairs. Speaking of which, why don't you put your stuff down and let me show you the rest of the house before pandemonium descends."

Jesse gave them the grand tour of the colossal open kitchen-dining area, where Uncle Joey was still busy alphabetizing the plates, and showed them where the bathroom was. "Well, other than the bedrooms you won't be using, I think you've seen everything." Jon had hoped to see Jesse's room, but didn't ask. Just as they were preparing to head back down to their space, the front door opened again. 

"Honeys, I'm home!"

Jordan and Danny exchanged a look. "See?," Danny mouthed. Jon shrank into himself a little.


	3. Meeting the fam, part deux

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The kids are home! Yay!

The group made their way to the living room. Three adorable girls loaded down with backpacks froze as one when they saw their newly-arrived guests.

"You're - you're - you're - "

DJ was a stuck record. Donnie gave her his best smile, and DJ wondered when it had gotten so hot in there.

Stephanie found her nerve, walking up to Donnie, craning her neck to inspect his face. "Do I know you?"

"Uh, well.."

She held up a hand in the universal sign for 'stop.' "Wait. DJ has posters of you, but she has to hide them 'cuz Dad says you're too.. too.. "

Oh, boy. While Stephanie thought of the missing word, Michelle toddled over.

"My name is Michelle. Who are you?"

"We're the New Kids On The Block," Joey offered helpfully. Michelle turned to her dad.

"They don't look like kids to me." Shrugging, she went off to the kitchen to ask Joey to make her a snack.

Stephanie was still thinking. "Too.. too.. too.. too.."

Jesse walked up to her, patting her on the back as if dislodging a foreign object from her airways. "Saucy! Daddy says you're too saucy!"

Jesse got down on her level, glancing over at the guys. Jon just happened to be in his direct line of vision. Because, you know, randomness.

"I think the word you're looking for, Miss Stephanie Tanner, is 'sexy.' Not saucy. Although I guess they could be related."

Jon studied their nice wooden flooring. Jon noticed things about houses; the others didn't get it, but it just.. calmed him.

"And you don't need to learn what either one of those words mean until you're thirty, or until I'm dead, whichever comes sooner," said Dad. 

DJ finally found her voice, eyes as big as dinner-plates as she approached. "I'm.. I'm.."

"DJ," Jesse prompted. She nodded, gratefully.

"What he said."

Mike was right; definitely no legal tender in the house. Oh well. A change is as good as a rest, right? Down-time might be a good thing. "It's nice to meet you, DJ. I'm Donnie, and this is Jon.." Donnie went through the pretense of introducing the guys, though of course DJ knew their names. And middle names. And pets' names, favorite foods, pet peeves... 

"Dad, shouldn't we get our guests some refreshments?" DJ suddenly felt like she wanted her dad out of the room, but couldn't fathom why. Maybe it was because he was forever saying and doing things to embarrass her, and she felt like she had a pretty good handle on making herself look foolish without his help, thank you very much.

"Great idea, Deej. Why don't you gentlemen seat yourselves in our kitchen-dining area, and DJ and I will make you something. Sound good, sweetheart?"

Her plan had backfired, but DJ knew better than to argue. She didn't want to get sent to her room. "Sure, Dad." Father and daughter led the way, the guys following behind.

"Joey, did you alphabetize my dishes?," asked the leader of the Tanner clan, rising panic in his voice.

The five guys exchanged helpless smiles, like, 'What're ya gonna do?'


	4. Settling In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The guys start to adapt to life in the Tanner household and.. well.. almost enjoy it. A little.

Danny Tanner was a fastidious host. The guys wondered how he had time and energy to keep the place so spotless, but however he did it, he could've given the staff at some major-name hotels a serious crash-course. It wasn't just the cleaning; it was his cooking. How were none of these people overweight? He fussed over them like a Jewish mother, urging them to take one more bite/slice/bowlful of whatever was on offer. The cabinets and fridge were always stocked and ready, and mealtimes were a real family affair - including the five unofficially-adopted members. Heck, even their 'light snack' felt like a meal. The two older girls fought over seating arrangements, while Michelle was non-plussed.

"Do you guys know any Raffi songs?"

Blank stares. "No, little lady, I'm sorry, we don't." Joey playing the diplomat here, levelling with her, baby to baby.

"Oh." Michelle went back to her snack.

"Alright, girls, time for homework. I'll be in my home office" (his room) "making phone calls. Come find me if you need help."

The kids scattered. Michelle opted to do her 'homework' in the living room, a coloring sheet spread flat on the coffee table. Joey sat on the couch, watching her little face scrunched up in concentration as she tried to stay inside the lines.

Danny was uncomfortably full, grumbling about needing a gym. "There's a treadmill in Joey's storage closet," Jesse offered, and Danny gratefully went off in search of it, knowing it would have to do.

Jon hung out at the kitchen counter talking to Jordan. That left Donnie at a loose end.

"I've got a gig tonight, if you guys wanna come check it out," Uncle Joey offered before disappearing downstairs to gather up his props so they'd be out of the way. Jordan felt relieved; maybe it wouldn't seem so fun-house-ish once his stuff was gone.

It hadn't been ten minutes before DJ was heard knocking on her dad's door. She tried the knob, finding it unlocked.

"Hey Dad? Can you help me with my poetry assignment?"

He held up one finger in a bid for her silence, the handset cradled between his shoulder and his ear as he paced. "Uh huh. Okay. Sure. No, I understand. Some other time."

DJ's stomach dropped. Her dad had gotten turned down for yet another date. Would he ever find happiness again? She sighed, walking out and closing the door softly behind her. She trudged down the stairs, hoping a change of scenery would inspire her.

Donnie was sitting at the table, pen in hand, scribbling away into a small notepad.

"Hey, DJ. Why so glum?"

"I need help with my poetry assignment, but Dad's.. busy. With grown-up stuff."

Donnie remembered how it felt to be a kid, needing a parent's attention. No parent was perfect - not even Danny Tanner - and sometimes adults needed to deal with adult problems, away from the kids. Growing up, his house had been even fuller than this one. "I see. Well, what's the assignment?"

DJ wanted to know what he was writing; she was so curious, it was burning her from the inside out. "We're supposed to write a love poem. Like, how dumb IS that? We're just kids! Kids don't know about that stuff!" 

Donnie sensed there was more to it than that. He'd learned to read women pretty well over his extensive.. experience, and DJ was on the verge of becoming a woman. Having so many sisters hadn't hurt his education in the workings of the female mind, either. His prediction proved correct.

"At least, *I* don't know about that stuff."

Donnie tried to come up with the right words. "DJ, you've got a whole lifetime to figure that stuff out. Heck, I'm twenty-one, and I'm STILL tryin' to figure out this whole love thing. Just.. write from the heart. It doesn't have to rhyme; it doesn't even have to make sense to anybody else but you - it just has to be real."

DJ segued into what she wanted to know. "Is that what you're doing? Are you writing from the heart?"

He looked down, sheepish. "I write whatever pops into my mind. Sometimes it's lyrics. Sometimes it's things that really happened, pieces of conversations I've been a part of, or overheard. Other times it's things I wish had happened. Today, it's a rap."

She brightened. "A rap? Really?"

"Yeah. I like rap. I like that there's a rhythm to it, like poetry set to a beat. Know what I'm sayin?"

"Dad says rap is garbage. He says, 'Rap is a four-letter word; the 'c' is silent.' "

Donnie smiled. "Well, I'm not tryin' to undermine your father, but, not all rap is the same, just like not all poetry is the same. Rap doesn't have to be about drugs or violence; it doesn't have to be about dissin' anybody. It can be positive."

"Will you let me read some of yours? Your 'rap'?"

He chuckled. "Only if you let me read your poem. Even a rough draft. I promise not to make fun of you."

"Even if it's really terrible?"

"It won't be, but, yeah, I promise."

"Okay. It's a deal."

DJ went back up to her room, suddenly more inspired than she thought possible.


	5. Tea Party With Mr Bear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jon Knight. Stephanie Tanner. Mr Bear and friends. 
> 
> Jon finds himself in the ninth circle of hell, ha ha #kidding

Jon had heard the entire exchange between Donnie and DJ. "That was sweet, Donnie. Real sweet."

Donnie smiled. "I have my moments. Just don't tell anyone."

"I'm serious. You're gonna make a great dad someday."

Donnie gulped. "Not for a while yet, Jon. But, yeah, I hope so."

Jon excused himself to use the restroom, which was upstairs. It felt weird, encroaching on their private space, but what could he do? As he exited the bathroom, a voice stopped him in his tracks.

"Excuse me, but could you help me with something?"

Jon turned, Stephanie looking up at him as though addressing a bird perched at the very top of a tree. "Uh, maybe. What's up?"

"I'm done with my homework, but DJ's not, and there's no one to play with me."

Somewhere down the hall, Jon could hear Jesse singing and playing guitar. Danny was on the phone, and by the sounds of things, the conversation wasn't going well. Joey was.. wherever Joey was, getting ready for his show. "Well, okaaaay.. What do you wanna play?"

Stephanie grinned. "TEA PARTY!"

Tea party? Sure. That sounded simple enough. Sip imaginary tea, eat imaginary tea cakes, boom, done.

"Wait here, please." Stephanie went into the room she shared with DJ, gathering up everything they'd need. 

"Follow me to your table, please," she said, muffled by the myriad of stuffed animals threatening to spill out of her arms.

Jon grabbed some, carrying them for her down the stairs, clearing her line of vision. "Thanks."

Stephanie began seating the various stuffed animals around the dining room table. Next came the plastic tea set: tea pot, tea cups, saucers, spoons, sugar bowl, creamer jug...

Jon sat at the head of the table, Donnie having moved to the living room to hang out with Joey and Michelle.

"Um, that's Mr. Bear's seat. He's the guest of honor."

"Oh, I'm sorry. How silly of me." Jon tried to look apologetic without cracking up at her precociousness.

"That's alright. You can't help it if you were never taught any manners."

He bristled a little at the dig, but let it go. Stephanie told him where to sit, and he obeyed.

"This," she said importantly, "is Mr. Bear."

"How do you do," Jon offered, shaking paws with the stuffie.

Stephanie went around the table introducing each guest to the others, and then it was time to serve the tea.

"Sit up straight, please. Napkin in your lap."

Jon placed an imaginary napkin into his lap. After Stephanie poured his invisible tea, he went to lift the cup.

"Not until every guest has a full cup," she warned, and he set it back down. Once she'd finished 'pouring,' he tried again.

"You may begin," she said, slurping air from the plastic cup.

"Delicious," he enthused.

"Pinkies up," Stephanie chided. 'This kid right here..' he thought, but complied.

She looked around at her guests. "Now, what shall we discuss as we take our tea? Mr. Knight, do you have any suggestions?"

Mr. Knight had committed one faux pas after another, and wasn't sure he should say anything. Stephanie sighed.

"Very well, I'll pick. Since you're new, we'll take turns asking you questions. What is it exactly that you do for a living, Mr. Knight? Are you seeing anyone? Got any kids?"

Jon wished for an imaginary drink. This was going to be a long tea party.


	6. Color My World

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michelle wraps Donnie and Joey around her little finger. Because you know that would SO happen.

Donnie had never seen a kid so intensely focused on kindergarten homework. If Michelle minded having two near-strangers watching her color, she didn't show it. 

"How long has she been zeroed in on this coloring page?", Donnie asked Joey.

"Since she finished her snack. If she's this gung-ho about homework all through school, she's gonna grow up to take over the world."

Donnie got down on her level. "Hey, kid. Can I color, too? Looks like fun."

She gestured to the notepad in his hand. "You've already got paper. This is MINE."

Joey laughed. "Oh ho ho, Donnie! Guess your luck with the ladies doesn't kick in til they're post-kindergahten!"

"Can Joey have a coloring sheet?"

She considered it for a moment. "He's the baby, right?"

"Yup."

"I guess so. You're s'posed to be gentle and nice with babies." Joey took the sheet from her pudgy little hand with a 'thank you.'

There was something else on her mind. "Which one of you is the mom in the group? Kids can't run around the world all by themselves."

Oh, boy.

\------------------------------

Jon came through the swinging door from the kitchen on his hands and knees. 

"Heeeelp meeee!"

Joey looked over. "Uh, nice outfit, Jon. Guess that makes YOU the mom of the group."

Jon stood up, revealing his frilly apron, clip-on earrings and fetching pink sun hat. "Guys, that middle child is - is - "

Michelle glanced up at Jon, then grinned. "Stephanie gave you a make-over!" Then, leaning in to confide to Donnie, "Those earrings don't go with those shoes."

"Shoes?" It was true; Jon even had on shoes with a slight heel, in which he was currently trying to balance.

"She went back to her room to get - I don't know, some more girl stuff - and I snuck in here. You guys gotta - "

"Joooooanie! Jooooanie! You haven't finished your tea!"

Joey laughed. "'Joanie?'" 

Jon looked down, gesturing at his accessories. "Yeah! Joanie! She made me an honorary girl!"

Donnie wanted to say something, but it would never get past the censors. A thought occurred to him. "Why don't you offer up Jordan as a sacri - uh, substitute?"

"Oh, trust me, she already got to him, too."

Right on cue, Jordan tottered in, wearing an ugly floral blouse which hung halfway down his legs, an old lady pill-box hat, and equally-gaudy shoes.

"Remind me to thank their grandma for leaving so many wonderful fashion statements behind," Jordan quipped.

As Stephanie's voice got louder, indicating her imminent arrival, Donnie made a bolt for the stairs. "Have fun, Joey!"

"What - hey! Don't leave me heah! What if she - "

Stephanie made her entrance. "Oh, good! Another guest!"

Joey wished for once that he was an exercise fanatic, safe in the basement.

\--------------------------------------------------

Donnie ran into DJ in the hallway. "Hi! I was just coming to find you. I finished my poem. Well, maybe."

He sighed with relief. This he could handle. "Alright, let's take a look at it." They headed into her room, leaving the door open.

Sitting in her window seat, DJ handed over her assignment with a shaky hand. Donnie read it over, then a second time. By the third time, DJ was ready to explode. 

"So? Is it bad?"

"This is great, DJ. Your teacher's gonna love it. And if they don't, remember that *I* loved it."

Her smile lit her from within. "Now do I get to read yours?"

Oh, yeah. The other side of the promise. "Sure thing, kid."

DJ spent so long reading, it made HIM nervous.

"This is.. good. It's like.. like a poem."

"Well thank you. Sometimes things don't come out the way I want them to, and that's okay. The important thing is to express yourself and keep trying."

"Thanks, Uncle Donnie. I mean.. uh.."

He laughed, ruffling her hair. "Call me what you want."

\-----------------------------------------

Jordan managed to sneak upstairs. He was looking for the bathroom, but made a wrong turn.

"Whoa! Hi," Jesse managed, taking in the sight of his guest.

"Uh, sorry. Wrong door."

"Escaped from the tea party?"

"Yeah."

"Well, now that you're here, come on in, sit a spell." 

Jordan took off the shoes, his feet groaning with relief. "Is this something she does to everyone who stays here?"

"Oh, no. You guys must be special. Stephanie doesn't usually give people make-overs til at least their third visit."

"Huh. That's.. nice, I guess."

Pause.

"What are you working on?"

Jesse showed Jordan his song sheet. "I play guitar mostly. A little keyboard - and I mean a little."

Jordan looked behind him at the keyboard sitting against the wall. "You mind?"

"Go for it."

Jordan set it up in front of the bed, and Jesse began to play the chords on his guitar. Jordan found complementary chords on the keyboard.

"Wow, man, that's.. that's great. You mind if I use that?"

Jordan just smiled and shook his head. They had a mini-jam session, Jesse adding some vocals, Jordan getting a little carried away on the keys, leaving Jesse behind. 

When Jordan stopped, Jesse was staring, no longer strumming the guitar. 

"You know, if you didn't have such amazing hair, I'd kick you out of my room for showing off like that."

They both laughed, knowing he didn't mean it.

\--------------------------------------


	7. Joey and Joey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just what it says on the label: Joey and Joey

Uncle Joey was nervous. This was the biggest comedy club he'd played so far, and he felt something was missing from his act. With only a few hours to go, he needed to figure it out.

As he entered the living room, he saw Joey drawing pictures for Michelle, his previous coloring endeavors abandoned. Joey wasn't the best at staying inside the lines.

"Uncle Joey, the new Joey draws funny pictures. Come and see."

Uncle Joey walked over, leafing through the pages. "These are good. You know, if the musical superstar thing doesn't work out, you could always be one of those caricature artists. Ten bucks a pop is not to be sneezed at."

"I'll beah that in mind," he said, going along with it.

"What's wrong, Uncle Joey?"

"I'm just really nervous about tonight's show. I feel like it's not as good as it could be."

"Maybe the new Joey could help you. You do big shows, right?"

"Yeah, Michelle. Okay.. I got it! You could try picturing everyone in the audience in their undahweah."

"Joey, when YOU do a show, half the people DO end up in their underwear."

Joey mugged for the cameras; cue laughter. "He's got me theah."

"This would be so much easier if I had an assistant. I mean, there's five of you guys onstage when you perform, so if one of you is struggling or forgets a part, the others can pick up the slack." Uncle Joey had an idea - he could tell from the way it made his head hurt - and Joey felt the weight of his stare.

"Oh, no. I couldn't. This is your thing, not mine; I'd only be - "

"Aw come on, you guys aren't doin' anything tonight. It'd be fun. You could even go in disguise; I've got wigs, make-up, all kinds of props.."

"What IS it with this family and make-overs?," Michelle asked, breaking the fourth wall.

"You'd be doing me a huge favor. Didn't you need someone to believe in you before you made it big?"

Uncle Joey had him there, too. "I can't believe I'm saying this.. but alright. I'll go. Just, tell me what to do."

The two of them headed downstairs to piece together a disguise and finalize the routine.


	8. Danny and Danny

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cool Danny gives advice to the other Danny

Danny Tanner had struck out more times than the Angels baseball team last season. He was a nice guy with great kids, a steady job, and a beautiful house. Where was he going wrong? He felt awkward asking Jesse for help; using his late wife's brother to land chicks felt like dishonoring her memory. Then it hit him.

Five of the world's most eligible bachelors were staying in his home. At least ONE of them had to be willing to help him out, right?

Danny had finished his workout and was heading up to the kitchen to grab a drink. Danny T met him on his way down the stairs. "Just the man I'm looking for," Mr. Tanner said, and Danny arched a brow. "Don't take that the wrong way," he hastened to add.

"Okay. What's up?"

Danny T moved out of the way, allowing his guest to enter the kitchen. "Before you say anything, I don't do tea parties," Danny stated.

"Oh, nothing to do with little girls. This is to do with grown women."

Danny got himself a glass of cold water from the fridge's dispenser. "I'm listening."

"Well, since my wife died, I've been trying to find a special someone, and it's not been working out. I was hoping you could give me some pointers."

Danny looked his host up and down. "Where would you like me to start?"

"I wanna know how you talk to women, how you dress, how you get them to agree to - " 

Danny held up his hands. "One thing at a time. First, girls like a man with confidence. Confidence doesn't mean thinking you're better than other people; it means liking yourself, being the best version of yourself."

Danny Tanner let that sink in. "I like myself." He said it again to no one in particular. "Gosh darn it, I do - I really like myself." 

Danny nodded. "That's a good start. Now, part of feeling confident is dressing in a way that expresses that. You need clothes that make you feel good, that fit your body and move with you."

Danny T looked at Danny's outfit. "Yeah, I don't think I'll be wearing anything as tight as what you're wearing."

The younger Danny smiled. "Alright, well, let's go take a look at what you're workin' with. Show me your wardrobe."

The two of them headed upstairs to rifle through Danny Tanner's Geek Emporium summer fashion collection, passing Stephanie on the way.

"Have either of you seen Joanie or Jodie?"

"'Joanie or Jodie'? You've been giving make-overs again, haven't you sweetheart?"

"Yeah. They both left the tea party without saying thank you. How rude." Dad patted Steph on the head, and Danny followed him into his bedroom, discussing the latest styles.

DJ poked her head out to see what all the activity was. "Hey, Steph. What's goin' on out here?"

"Daddy and Danny are going into the closet."

DJ made a face, turning to speak to Donnie, who was now over her shoulder. "Trust me - you don't wanna know."


	9. Hair We Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jordan and Jesse experience a bonding moment while doing their hair

Jordan had divested himself of grandma's ensemble and was at the sink, fixing his hair. Jesse was watching, copying him move for move.

"Now, comb it this way - no, more like that - yeah. That helps keep the volume, even when you're workin' up a sweat."

"You mean like, performing on stage, or - "

"Either one," Jordan assured him, waggling his eyebrows.

"Niiice. Okay, now, what is this stuff? I've never heard of it." Jesse was holding a can of Jordan's favorite mousse.

"Hey, I'm teachin' here. And don't touch what you can't afford." Jordan gently but firmly took the can from him, setting it down.

"Alright, alright. I've never met anyone so touchy about his hair." Then, "How much is that stuff? I gotta know."

Jordan whispered it in his ear, and Jesse's jaw dropped. 

"I didn't pay that much for my guitar!"

"Yeah. NASA accidentally discovered this stuff when they were trying to invent a super-glue that wouldn't melt on re-entry."

Both men put down their styling tools and struck a pose. "Look at this nice thing we got goin' on here."

In unison:

"'Ave mercyyyy!"


	10. Enter The Gibbler

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because Gibbler.

Danny had finished re-styling Mr. Tanner, leading him into the living room. Jon was still in his afternoon tea outfit, wondering how many more imaginary cakes he could stomach from his aggressively gracious hostess. The two Joeys were in the alcove, taking turns with puppets and props, cracking each other up, Joey's ridiculous wig slipping to one side and threatening to fall off altogether. Jordan and Jesse joined the party in twinsie mode: tight black jeans, white t-shirts, and well-worn leather jackets. DJ and Donnie were side by side on the couch swapping innocent notes about everyone else in the room (she was SO keeping these in her super-secret scrapbook). Michelle was lining up her crayons in color order, wondering if any of the zillion 'grown-ups' in the house would think to prepare dinner. "At this rate, I'll be ordering pizza and then putting myself to bed later," she thought aloud. 

Enter the Gibbler.

The front door opened - was it seriously STILL unlocked?? "Hey, Tanneritos! Whoa, baby!"

Everything stopped, and all heads turned as one. Joey took in her outfit: neon pink shirt with green and black piping, black pj-style pants covered in question marks, rainbow hi-tops, and part of her hair pulled up into a wacky off-center top-knot while the rest fell down, skimming her shoulders. This girl was a hot mess, even by '90s standards.

"I like the pants," Joey Joe called out, and Kimmy, for once, was lost for words.

DJ sprang into action, coming to the rescue. "Come on, Kimmy. I'll introduce you to everyone."

"Deej, I may be nuttier than a Snickers bar, but I'm not stupid. I KNOW who they are."

"Well, come and meet them anyway."

Kimmy was okay with Donnie. Danny didn't faze her too much. Jordan and Jon didn't terrify her. Joey, on the other hand..

She hugged him, knocking the wind out of him. "You're even good-looking as a girl," she stated, and Joey blushed. He was used to over-exuberant fan-love - but, Kimmy being Kimmy, she had to ratchet things up a notch.. by sliding her body down. Soon she was hugging him on her knees, her cheek pressed against his abs, a look of closed-eyed rapture on her face. As she went to move even lower, Joey tried to disengage himself. He managed to get one leg free, narrowly avoiding a kick to her head, but Kimmy clung to his other calf, not letting go even as he began to drag her dead-weight form across the floor.

"Kimmy, drop it! Drop it!" Jesse was using a dog-trainer's tone, wishing they made Gibbler whistles. Maybe a shock collar..

Kimmy whimpered, then let go, making no move to get up from the floor. Uncle Jesse patted her head. "Good girl! Good Gibbler!"

"You know, I thought that's all you people did was hug. I figured, when in Barcelona.."

"Uh, Kimmy, don't you mean 'When in Rome'?", Uncle Joey suggested.

Kimmy shook her head. "Look, I can't have pasta; it makes me gassy. Tacos on the other hand - now THOSE I can handle!"

"Guess we know who her favorite New Kid is," Jordan said to Jesse.

"Yeah, I'd say I'm sorry, but normally *I'M* her favorite around here."

"How's it feel to be demoted?," Jordan wanted to know.

"It's a good feeling."

Danny came to his senses - or as close to it as he ever got. "Who wants dinner?"

Uncle Joey finally noticed the new, improved Danny Tanner. "We- he- hell hello there! Or, as Popeye would say, 'Well blow me down!'"

DJ turned to see what Joey was reacting to. "Oh Mylanta! Dad, you look so... so.."

"Saucy!" Stephanie interjected.

They were gonna have to have a serious talk with that kid about her language issues.

Michelle entered from the kitchen, holding the cordless phone while covering the mouthpiece with her tiny hand. "I'm already on it, people." Returning to the call, she said, "Yeah, three large with extra cheese, and three large with pepperoni. Drinks? No thank you. Soda keeps me up past my bedtime. See you in thirty minutes or less, or you're in big trouble, mister."

Uncle Jesse got down on Michelle's level. "Thank you for taking care of dinner, sweetie, but, next time, get a grown up's permission first, heh?"

"You got it, dude." 

Everybody: "Awwwww."


	11. Everyone Has A Favorite Girl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Girls (and boys) just wanna have fun.. until it leads to fights.

Dinner was in full swing. Making room for everyone - including Gibbler - was no easy feat, but they found a way. Gibbler was allowed to stay - and sit by Joey - only after she promised to keep her hands above the table. Michelle was in the middle of a Knight sandwich as far as seating went (Jon found the pint-sized Tanner to be easier to handle than Miss Stephanie); DJ and Donnie were having a contest to see who could stretch their pizza cheese the farthest without it breaking, while Stephanie was pretending to be disgusted. Jesse and Uncle Joey were discussing the finer nuances between pop and rock 'n' roll, and where their guests fit on that spectrum. Danny toyed with the salad he had scrounged up, then cheated a little by snagging a slice of the good stuff when no one was looking. Dad was too busy juggling plates, refilling drinks, and wondering what to do about dessert to intervene in any of the antics. 

Becky arrived home to chaos.

"Hello? Where is everybody?"

Waaay too many voices replied, "In the kitchen!"

Becky put down her carry-all and entered through the swinging door. "Wow. Talk about a full house."

Jesse jumped up from his seat, caught himself, and tried to saunter, or swagger, or whatever, over to her. Yeah. Mr. Cool.

"Hey, sweetie. We've got company. This is.." Jesse went around the table, five pairs of New Kid eyes zeroing in on Becky.

"So, while I've been out tasting wedding cake samples and deciding on floral arrangements, you've been playing with a boy band? And I mean 'playing' as in 'having fun, goofing off, being utterly immature,' not, 'being the opening act, making money for our new life together.' Is that the gist of it?"

"Ohhh, that was a burn and a half! I need an ice pack!," Joey Joe crowed.

"We have ous cream. That always makes MY owies feel better," Michelle piped up, hoping to earn some for her troubles. 

Danny waded in. "Becky, it's not his fault. Today's been a crazy day."

She wasn't soothed. "I've been trying the house phone all day, but it's been busy. Care to explain that?"

Jordan looked guilty, and Becky picked up on it. All eyes shifted toward him.

"I.. might have.. paged a girl or two to let them know where to reach me."

En masse: "JORDAN!!!"

"What? With all the scary stuff goin' on right now, I didn't want them to worry."

Danny checked the phone, finding the ringer volume had been turned all the way down. "Girls. Can anyone tell me how this happened to be turned down so no one would hear it ring?"

This time it was DJ who was fidgety. "Wellll, I didn't want to take time away from our awesome guests, so.. I guess that was a dumb move, huh?"

Dad nodded. "Not as dumb as some people's," (Jordan ducked his head), "but, yeah, not your best decision."

Stephanie tried to help. Emphasis on tried. "If anyone called here while we were busy, I'd tell them to pin a rose on their nose!"

"Leave the phone-answering to the grown-ups, heh?", Jesse snarked - but lovingly. 

"How come Michelle gets away with everything? She ordered pizza without a grown-up!," the middle child asked.

"Stephanie," Dad warned. 

DJ stuck up for her sibling. "Steph has a point, guys. Why don't we just say we've all done some total nerd-bomber things today and get back to having fun?"

"Jesse, this isn't over. We'll need to talk about this later tonight. I'm not gonna be stuck doing all the work for this wedding," Becky cautioned.

"Okay, babe. Just, c'mon, it's not every day that the five hardest workin' kids in show business land on your doorstep. Our doorstep. Uh, Joey, help me out here."

"Yeah, Becky, I mean, it's not Jesse's fault that girls tied up the phone-line all day." 

"I'm Kimmy Gibbler, and even *I* knew better than to tell anyone you guys were here. Wow. I'm smarter than a New Kid!"

"Only one of the five, Gibbler," Donnie was quick to point out.

"Hey, one out of five is better than my score on the last pop quiz in math," Gibbler asserted. 

Becky huffed upstairs, Jesse following hot on her heels, groveling all the way. So much for Mr. Cool.

Danny shepherded the girls to the kitchen counter to start preparations for a 'make your own sundae' station. Gibbler, a little slow on the uptake, finally got the hint and scurried off to help her second fam.

"That," Danny Wood said, motioning toward the staircase behind them where Becky had just been, "is a babe."

"Yeah, Danny - an engaged-to-be-married babe. Engaged to one of our hosts, no less," Donnie pointed out. "But, yes, she is a babe."

Jordan and Joey Joe nodded agreement.

"Well, they're not married yet though, right? I mean, all's fair in love and war." Danny was already halfway to the point of no return.

"Guys, she isn't some teeny-bopper fan sneaking into our hotel room on the room service cart. She's a lady, like, older, with a job, and a life. Don't talk about her like another notch on your belts."

Trust Jon to throw a wet blanket on their fantasy.

"I like older girls. Women," Joey corrected himself. "Why don't we make it a wager? Since we're stuck here, and the other girls are cute but not available for age reasons.. I mean, if she's a lady, she won't cheat on her fiancée, right? No hahm in asking."

"This is a bad idea. You're all acting like a bunch of.. of.. nerd-bombers." With that, Jon went to get himself some ous cream.


	12. Telephone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Turning the ringer up was a bad idea..

All three of the men living there needed to be able to answer the phone. There could be a job offer, or a woman wanting a date.. okay, there could be a job offer. The ringer was turned back up, and with every screaming fan-girl call, tensions were mounting.

The first few hours, they all took turns answering.

"Hello? No, I'm sorry, you have the wrong number." Becky got tired of saying the same (untrue) line over and over, so she decided to mix it up.

"Hello, City Morgue - you stab 'em, we slab 'em. Oh really? You think I sound like that chick on the morning show? Yeah, I get that a lot. Bye."

"'Allo? Who is zees? Non, you 'ave reached zee top-secret French embassy 'otline. Sank you. 'Ave a nice day."

"Are you the lady who wanted fifteen orders a' grits and a whole hog roast to go? Well, same to you, ma'am!"

"Zorba's Greek Emporium, how many in your party?"

Uncle Joey got in on the fun. "Hello, Bullwinkle residence. I'm sorry, Rocky's not home right now. Can I be of any assistance? Hello? Hellooo?"

"Whoa! I'm waitin' on me goil Olive Oyl to call me. There's only one seaman aboard this ship. *Popeye noises*" 

*Woodchuck voice* "You're calling for WHO? That's a nice name. Is he made of.. Wood?" 

Danny even unwound enough to field a few calls. "Homework Helpline. How soon is your assignment due?"

"Thank you for calling Dirt-Busters. Are you being haunted by stains, odors, or clutter?"

"You want to speak to Danny? Well, this is he. Hello? H- hello?" Click. "Man, I almost thought I was gonna get to talk to a girl for a minute."

Jesse, of course, had a ball playing Elvis. "You've reached the direct line to the King, baby. I'm on cloud nine and feelin' fine." When each girl hung up, he'd say, "Thank you, thank you very much."

DJ, Stephanie and Kimmy enjoyed screaming at full volume into the phone. It seemed fair, considering so many girls called THEM screaming.

As it got later, the novelty wore off. "We're turning the ringer down again," Dad decreed. Becky and Jesse's talk hadn't gone well, and she sought refuge in the living room, hugging one of the scatter cushions.

Luckily, Jon found her first. "Hey, Becky."

"Hi, Jon."

Silence.

"So, just think it's fair to warn you, the other four guys are sweet on you. They've got this crazy bet going to see if any of them can get you to agree to a date."

"Really. Why are boys so .. stupid?? No offense."

"None taken." Then, quieter, "I ask myself that allll the time."

"Pardon?"

"It's not impohtant. Look, you seem like a classy lady, and I'm goin' behind my friends' backs - including my brothah - to let you know about their scheme."

"Well, I appreciate that, Jon. I'm glad to see at least ONE man in this house can be considerate of a woman's feelings."

Jon didn't know how to respond to that, so he kept quiet.

"What sort of bet?"

"The winner gets to wear normal clothes at the next live show. The losers have to come onstage in women's clothes. Or at least, with panties on their head."

"Huh. How about that. And they're pretty confident that at least one of them will woo me, huh?"

"That was the impression I got, yes."

"Well, Jon, things could get interesting around here. I already needed to teach Jesse a lesson, and it sounds like the other guys could use a lesson, too."

Jon grinned. "If you need any help, I'm in."

"I may hold you to that."


	13. Hey, Hey, I Feel Alright - Six Times!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Becky teaches the boys a lesson

Uncle Joey's comedy gig had been rescheduled. That meant more time to rehearse the new 'double act', and more time for the guys to try to win the bet. 

Over the next few days, Becky gave Jesse the cold shoulder, answering in monosyllables, acting indifferent to his apologies. She was nice to Joey, Danny and the girls, but when Jesse entered the fray, she found reasons to be elsewhere. Jesse was beginning to wonder if he'd have to get involved in wedding planning at all..

She found opportunities to be alone with each of the guys - something they had agreed to in advance among themselves. After all, it was hardly ideal having to mack on a woman with all your friends interrupting. Joey, coming upstairs for a break from rehearsal, was first.

"Becky, could I talk to you for a minute - you know, a real haht to haht?" 

"Sure, Joey." Inwardly she rolled her eyes, thinking, 'Here we go.'

"See, it's like this. Some of the other guys pick on me on account of I'm the baby and all."

Becky hardly felt that nineteen counted as being a baby, but she let him go on.

"I mean, we all have reputations, and I joke around and brag to the guys just like they all do, but.. the truth is.."

"What is it, Joey?" She was trying not to laugh, affecting her best 'motherly concern' face.

"I've never.. I mean, I've kissed girls and stuff, I just.." Deep sigh. Oh, his face was heartbreaking. "I've never.. been with a girl."

Becky rocked back in her seat, genuinely surprised - not at his 'confession,' but at how bold of a lie it was. "Wow. I'm.. I'm flattered that you felt safe enough to confide in me, Joey. Thank you."

"It gets worse."

"Oh, Joey. How?"

"I'm not good with girls. I feel like, if I'm ever gonna find the right one to settle down with, I need.."

"Experience?"

Joey nodded as if it pained him too much to put it into words.

"And you were hoping a certain older woman would help you out with that?"

Part of Joey's brain was screaming at him that it had to be a trick, that nothing in life ever went this smoothly, not even for him. The other part of him, the one NOT controlled by logic or self-preservation, fell hook, line and sinker. "Yeah."

Becky rested a hand on his knee. "Joey, I'd love to help you out. On one condition."

"Name it. Anything, Becky."

"You can't tell anyone - not even one of the guys. If Jesse found out we'd even had this conversation, well - "

"Say no more."

Becky suggested a time and place for the rendezvous, making sure Joey understood that she wasn't promising him anything, and Joey returned to the basement. 

"One down, four naughty boys to go," she chuckled.


	14. Knight in Armor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joey played the 'V' card. Jordan tries the chivalrous approach

Jordan was up unusually early the next day. She wondered why, until she saw the array of junk food wrappers and debris littered across the counter.

"Danny will kill you if he sees that," Becky warned in a stage whisper.

"Which one - Danny the health nut, or Danny the clean freak?"

"Good point. Probably both." Becky sidled up to Jordan, taking the seat beside him. "You any good at sharing?"

Jordan slid one of the still-unwrapped snack cakes over to her. "As a matter of fact I am."

She took a bite, chewing thoughtfully. "Jesse would pitch a fit if he saw me. He doesn't like me eating junk; says he doesn't want a fat wife."

Jordan looked genuinely pissed as he scoped her out. "Fat where? Girl, you are BANGIN'! Your man is trippin.'"

Becky looked sad. "Thanks. He almost never says things like that anymore."

"Well then he's an idiot." Jordan was beginning to believe that, if his plan worked, he'd actually be doing Becky a favor.

Becky smiled slyly. "He's not good at sharing, either. I'm glad you are, though. I've been thinking.."

Jordan found it difficult to swallow, wondering where this was going. Becky ran a hand through his hair, and Jordan practically purred. He knew must like her if he wasn't freaking out about someone touching his hair.

"Maybe I need a little time to see what's out there. You know, before I commit." 

"Yeah. You need somebody who can treat you right."

"I do. I'm willing to look, Jordan. Are you willing to help me? I don't get much chance to meet guys with my crazy schedule, and you don't get time to really get to know girls.. So could we meet halfway? Help each other out?"

If she kept petting him like that, Jordan would contemplate committing murder at her bidding. "When and where?," he asked, all other words failing him.

Becky named the time and the place, kissed him on the cheek, and left for work. Jordan was left sitting in the pre-dawn shadows, wondering what the hell had just happened.

\-------------------------------------------------------------

Jordan got a little more peace and quiet and a few extra z's before three giggling girls tramped down the stairs to wake him up.

He hadn't meant to fall asleep on their couch, but he'd had an amazing dream about Becky. As he yawned, tasting cake, he realized it was no dream, and a slow smile spread across his face.

"Jordan, will you come to my class for show and tell?," Stephanie begged.

"No, Stephy, he has to come with me for Arts Day."

"Show and tell!"

"Arts Day!"

"Show and tell!"

"Arts Day!"

"Never had two girls fight over me quite like THIS before," Jordan thought out loud. "Alright, girls, I'm gonna hear you out, one at a time. Now, DJ, why do you think I should go to your class today?"

"Because we've been learning about how the arts are really important to a well-rounded education, and we're trying to convince the school board not to cut funding for art, drama and music."

"Okay, that's a lot of good reasons. Steph, why do YOU want me to go to show and tell?"

"Because the coolest thing anyone's ever brought to show and tell was a real pony, and you're WAY more interesting than a pony. And because my teacher thinks you're a babe."

"Hmm. Those are.. intriguing arguments, Steph, but I think I'm gonna have to lean towards DJ's Arts Day."

Oh, that pout. The lip even started to quiver.

"Tell you what. Why don't we go wake up the other guys and see which one of them you can borrow for show and tell?"

Magic. All smiles. "Yeah! Let's go let'sgolet'sgolet'sgolet'sgolet'sgolet'sgolet'sgolet's - "

"Kids. Gotta love 'em," said DJ, watching Stephanie drag him toward the basement.


	15. Donnie Loves Becky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Donnie's turn to get played

Danny Wood was the lucky vic- er, winner of the show and tell lottery, and Stephanie got to be the coolest kid in class that day.

"What am I doing, exactly?," he asked.

"Just be yourself. Improvise. You'll think of something once you're up there."

Oh, boy.

"Uh, hi, kids. My name's Danny, and Stephanie wanted me to come in today for show and tell. I'm kinda wingin' it here, so.. Everybody stand up, move up here in front of me. Spread out a little, make room. We're gonna do some New Kid exercises."

"You mean, like, dance moves?," Susie Miller wanted to know.

"Exactly. Let's do it. Watch this."

Danny demonstrated some arm moves from the 'Hangin' Tough' choreography, and most kids caught on fairly fast.

"Great job. Now, let's try a criss-cross move. Like this."

Danny showed them how to move their feet, first one way, then the other.

"Awesome. Alright, let's try one more, then we're gonna put it all together. Steph, would you stand by me and help me with this?"

Stephanie and Danny did a sort of New Kids do-se-do, only, you know, cooler.

"Okay, now all together. And one and arm and two and arm and criss-cross move and back and forth. Let's try it again. And one and arm and two and arm and.."

It took a few tries, but eventually they got the hang of it.

"Alright, now give yourselves a round of applause. Great job."

"That's it?" Trust Billy McCormick to be a wet blanket. "That's your show and tell? That was like having extra gym class."

Danny looked at Steph, who looked about ready to cry.

"No, that's not it. Watch THIS - and please, don't try to copy me."

Danny went into break-dance mode, pulling out all the stops (and one or two muscles). The kids went wild, clapping and cheering. Even Billy had to admit it was pretty rad.

When Danny stopped, he was out of breath, the teacher was looking at him like he was made of candy, and Steph was beaming.

"Enjoy the rest of your day, kids. Stay in school, and say no to drugs!"

"Bye, Danny!" "Bye!" 

\-------------------------------------

Donnie's opportunity came after dinner, when Becky offered to do the dishes. Danny didn't trust many people to clean as thoroughly as he did, so the fact that he 'let' her do this chore for him said a lot about his faith in her as a person. "Michelle, would you like to help me dry the dishes?," Becky called out to the tot at the table.

"No way, Jose," she said, sliding out of her seat and disappearing upstairs.

Donnie to the rescue. "I'll help, Becky."

"Why thank you."

The two of them worked side by side in silence for a few minutes, Donnie letting her take the lead. 

"This is nice. Teamwork. I like feeling like an equal."

"I'm glad, but - what do you mean?"

"Well, Jesse doesn't make time for me. He puts all this energy into the girls and into trying to make it with his band.. I just, I don't know."

"Sure you do. What's on your mind?"

She sighed, letting the sponge fall into the sink with a plop. They had a dishwasher, but this was the pre-rinse ritual. Donnie never understood the point of a dishwasher if you had to do the dishes before you did the dishes, but he let it go.

"I just get.. lonely. Do you ever get lonely, Donnie?"

"Sure. I can feel lonely in a cramped tour bus, or in a concert venue, or even.. "

"In a house full of people," she finished for him.

"Even in a house full of people."

"I'm still mad at Jesse. I was thinking, maybe.. maybe we could hang out sometime."

Donnie smiled. "We are hanging out."

"I mean away from everybody. Only if you want to."

Donnie could already imagine the other guys coming onstage in dresses, or with frilly panties on their heads.. 

"Sure. We could do that. Name the time and the place."

With a promise to tell no one, the date was set.

That left Danny and Jesse to entrap...


	16. Body By Danny

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Becky needs Danny to help her get into shape - or so she lets him think..

Jordan was having flashbacks to over-cooked school lunches, detentions, and the agony of braces. DJ, however, was in her element; it seemed like every kid knew her name, and he wondered if that had anything to do with the New Kid on her arm.

"What am I doin', exactly?"

"We're having an assembly this morning. Some members of the school board are going to be here, and you're gonna help show them why the arts matter."

"Right. Simple." Shit.

Jordan hung out backstage, waiting for DJ's class to have their turn. "Come on, inspiration.. any time now.."

DJ gave the introduction, and it was show time.

"Hello. I'm Jo - "

A collective female scream went up from the crowd, and the principal had to order the student body to control itself.

"As I was saying, I'm Jordan Knight. I went to a school a lot like this one, and while reading, writing and math are very important, they just aren't enough to prepare kids for the world."

Several board members were sitting up straighter, listening. No pressure..

"Music, drama, and art give kids the opportunity to find their creativity. There are no wrong answers in the arts, just the exchange of ideas, the celebration of individual talents, and the chance to be different. Every person needs that chance. In fact, I'm so passionate about the need for the arts in school, I'm going to match the board's funding, dollar for dollar."

He could tell he almost had them convinced, but he needed something else to put it over the top.

The music teacher, Mr Boag, began to play a very familiar tune on the keyboard. Jordan knew what he had to do; but could he come up with new lyrics on the fly?

"I'm not that kind of guy who could live without the arts  
So don't take our funds; please don't break the children's hearts  
The very thought of losing funds means  
That every kid  
Would lose their wonder

I'll be funding you forever  
Just as long as you teach ABCs  
I'll be funding you forever  
Look what arts have done for me  
Yeah

I'll be funding you..." etc 

"We need the arts more than ever now  
The arts should last forever  
We can figure out how

I'll be, funding you..." etc.

Slam dunk for Jordan.   
\-----------------------------

*that evening*

Danny was spending more time 'underground' than most of the guys. It wasn't that he didn't appreciate the constant hugging, or the mountainous servings of food, or the wacky antics - it was just.. better in small doses. 

Becky went downstairs on the premise of using the treadmill. Danny glanced up from his magazine, taking in her shapely form, Lycra bicycle shorts clinging to her thighs and rear, her loose-hemmed jersey shirt skimming over her taut abs and small waist. Even the dorky pink sweatband looked cute on her. 

"You don't mind, do you? I don't have one upstairs, and I don't do gyms."

"No, I don't mind."

She seemed to be struggling, hopping off the treadmill after a few short minutes.

"I am never gonna get into shape," she wheezed. 

"What do you mean? You look amazing."

Becky laughed. "There's always room for improvement. I really wanted to look good for my - "

Wedding. She'd caught herself, and Danny wondered why.

"How's all that going?" Becky would've been touched by his concern, but she couldn't trust it. 

"I don't know, Danny. Jesse's.. We're so different. Sometimes I feel like I need a more aggressive man. Maybe not aggressive; more.. assertive? self-assured? Someone like you."

Danny blushed a little.

"I mean it," she said earnestly, resting a hand on his shoulder. "You're quiet, you're strong, you know what you want, and you go out and get it. I really admire that in a man."

Danny looked at the hand on his skin, burning him. "Thank you."

She turned as if to leave. "Hey Danny?"

"Yeah?"

"Would you help me work out? Not here. I mean, I know a place. We could have dinner first, talk it over. Would that be okay?"

"Sure. Just let me know."

Becky told him the details, made him promise to keep it a secret, and went back upstairs, smiling to herself.

That just left Jesse.


	17. Only Fools Rush In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who's the biggest fool?

Jesse didn't take much persuading to meet for dinner. That part of the city was cleared for threats now, and a night alone, just the two of them, was just what they needed to get things back on track. Becky was still wearing her ring, which was a good sign, Jesse thought as he made his way to the restaurant.

Oddly enough, four of the New Kids had dates lined up for tonight, too. Jon was at home with Danny, Uncle Joey and the kids. With a bit of luck, Becky would agree to go home with Jesse afterwards, and with half the adults out of the way and the kids in bed.. Better not get ahead of himself.

Becky hadn't arrived yet. Jesse sat at the table in the very back corner, enjoying the candlelight. He wasn't expecting to see - 

"Joey! What are you doin' here?"

Joe Mac was caught off-guard. The last man he wanted to run into was his date's fiancée. "Uh, I have a date. I guess you do, too." His heart raced; had they called off the engagement? Was Jesse cheating?

There was no time to form a question before - 

"Joey? What are you - ?" Donnie froze.

Jesse saw Donnie, who saw Joey and Jesse. Small world, eh?

"Guys?" Danny asked, confused, arriving at the same table.

Jordan was last to arrive. By now, only the dimmest man would be left in any doubt that they'd been set up.

Becky walked in, dressed to kill. "Good evening, gentlemen. Won't you sit down?" 

To a man, they sat, heads hung low, eyes darting nervously around the table - nervously and accusingly. Becky stayed standing, all the better to circle the shameful group.

"By now, I'm sure you realize you've been beaten at your own game."

They nodded.

"You know, Jesse and I have our problems, but once I realized he was the one for me, I was done looking. I don't care if you're a rock star or a pro athlete or even CEO of a Fortune 500 - I'm a one-man woman." Jesse looked up little by little as Becky spoke, until he was looking at her dead on.

"Going forward, I don't want this to be an issue. Do I make myself clear?" 

Jesse was too caught up in what she'd said before that. The New Kids nodded, mumbled their apologies, then excused themselves. "At least Jon was smart enough not to hit on her," Donnie said, commiserating with Jordan. 

"Yeah! Jon must have women figured out better than the four of us put together!," said Joey.

Becky moved over to where Jesse was sitting, taking her place beside him. "Did you really mean what you said, about me being the one for you?"

"Of COURSE I meant it, Jesse! Just because you irritate me, or because you can be vain and selfish and easily distracted and - "

Jesse's eyes flitted over toward the waitress filling the water glasses at the next table.

Becky gripped his face with her hand, mushing in his cheeks and making his lips push out like a fish mouth. 

"Jesse," she warned sweetly.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Don't hurt me, mama."

"Anyway. I love you, and no nerd-bomber mistake is gonna change that."

"I love you too. I'll try to take more of an interest in the details of wedding planning. And 'nerd-bomber'? You've been spending way too much time with DJ."

"So, let's you and me spend time together now, just the two of us. Adult time."

"You mean, adult time as in 'dinner, wine and intellectual conversation,' or adult time as in.."

"You'll find out." She leaned in for a slow, sensual kiss.

"'Ave mercy!"


	18. Joey's Double Act

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Comedy Show

It was finally happening. The two Joeys had had extra time to rehearse (especially after the Becky fiasco; Joey tried to keep a low profile when Jesse was around). He'd even gotten used to the wig and the make-up (good thing, since he'd be opening his own show in drag soon).

The whole fam was going to be in attendance, and Joey really did feel like they were family in some weird way. The guys may have cracked jokes in private about how clean-cut and mushy the Tanner clan was, but on some level, they liked being a part of it. It had been nice to be treated as almost average citizens for a while, getting a glimpse at what life could be like when they grew up and settled down. Maybe they could all share a house and raise kids together, the kids calling them 'Uncle so-and-so,' and.. Ahem.

The club was called The Bunch, and there were bananas in every aspect of the décor. "This place is cheesy to the max!," Jordan whispered to Donnie as they took their seats. The guys had to stay in the darkest corner of the room, trying not to be recognized. 

"Check it out, Joey Joe's comedy debut!" Donnie was oddly proud of him.

"Well, I've always thought he was funny," Danny admitted. "Funny strange, mostly, but sometimes he's funny-ha-ha."

"Shh, guys, keep it down! We've gotta lay low." Jon was being the voice of reason, as usual.

Danny, Jesse, Becky, the three girls, and four New Kids were crammed in a corner without an inch of leg room to spare. The MC did his spiel, the first comic came (and quickly left, having bombed), and then it was Joey and Joey's turn. "Please give it up for Joey Gladstone and his lovely partner Jezebel!"

Joey in full drag was a sight to behold. He felt comfortable like this, which was, well, uncomfortable. The disguise worked; not one stranger recognized him. 

Uncle Joey started off with some of his weaker jokes, working his way up to the funnier ones. Both Joeys had puppet companions, and the puppets riffed off each other, eventually ad-libbing so far out of left field that Jon began to wonder why they'd bothered rehearsing. It was so spontaneous and wacky, and their weird senses of humor complemented each other and challenged each other so well, that the place was roaring. As they finished, the crowd called for more, and Joey almost took a bow, remembering his wig at the last minute. A curtsey would have to do.

Uncle Joey was so happy he could burst. "That was amazing! You were great!"

"YOU were great," Joey corrected him. "You've got it in you, Joey; having me up there just made you forget to doubt yourself."

For the first time in forever, the entire family started to believe that maybe Uncle Joey really could make it after all.


	19. All Good Things..

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things start to get back to normal

It had been a wild week, but the terror alert was over, and the New Kids were going on with the show in less than twenty four hours. Thousands of fans who'd been stranded in the city were foaming at the mouth to get their money's worth, and the guys needed to deliver.

That meant rehearsals, rehearsals, rehearsals.

The girls came home from school to find the guys packed and ready to head to the arena first thing in the morning.

"You're leaving already?" Michelle, still not impressed by their star status, had grown attached to them nonetheless.

"But you were the best show and tell EVER," Stephanie reminded Danny.

"And thanks to you, my school got enough arts program funding to last until MY kids go there," DJ told Jordan, hugging him.

"And you helped me put on a great show," Uncle Joey told Joey, making puppy-dog eyes to rival the kids'.

"Yeah, and Jordan, you helped me get my hair looking better than I ever dreamed it could."

"It's true," Becky concurred. 

"Hey now. We've still got tonight," Donnie said, trying to smile. "What should we do, eh? We could play games, or tell stories, or.. Jordan, help me out here."

"Who wants pizza again?"

"Can we have ous cream?," Michelle wanted to know.

"Sure we can," Dad said. He had something in his eye; maybe he hadn't dusted enough. Or something.

Gibbler walked in to find them all hugging in a ridiculously tight Tanner-NewKid mass. Shrugging, she walked over to join them, clinging to Joey like a Velcro spider-monkey.

"I love you guys," she said.

"We love you too, Gibbler," they all said as one.

"Just.. not like that," Joey Joe was quick to add.

Eventually they disentangled, and evening plans got underway. Jordan got his pizza, Michelle got her ice cream, and the night passed in a blur of fun and laughter.

No adventure at the Tanners would be complete without reviewing some important life lessons. As the fun wound down and before they all went their separate ways to bed, Dad asked them to consider what they'd learned.

"I've learned that it's okay to let loose sometimes and not take things so seriously - including with food," Danny Wood said.

"I've learned that I really like wearing eye-liner," said Joe Mac. "Ow! Donnie! Okay, okay. I've learned that I totally want kids when I'm older - and I hope they're half as awesome as you guys are."

"I could totally be your nanny," Kimmy volunteered.

"You still here?," Uncle Jesse said, trying for disdain, but failing as he smiled despite himself.

"I've learned that there are some women in this world who are immune to my charms. *cough* Becky and Michelle. Seriously, though, you two crazy kids belong together. All the best to you both," Donnie said, addressing the last part to Jesse and Becky.

"I've learned that helping kids achieve their dreams is more fulfilling than being a star - although being a star is pretty amazing." Jordan chucked DJ affectionately on the chin.

"I've learned a lot about who I am and what I want out of life," Jon said, taking in as much of Jesse's beauty as he could before they had to leave. Those EYES, though!

Danny T: "I've seen how great our family is at working together and making outsiders feel like they're a part of us. Imagine if we could do that with people all across the country, or even around the world?" He turned thoughtful for a moment. "What if.. What if we had a tv show, so millions of people could watch us be cute and funny and affectionate and - "

"I've learned that your father is a class A nut-ball," Jesse teased. "Nah, seriously, I've found out what's most important to me - and that's you guys. All of you. Especially one of you."

Kimmy looked at Jesse for the first time in days, hope blooming on her face.

"Not you, Gibbler, heh?"

Becky took Jesse's hand in her own. "I've figured out that, no matter what, I want to be part of Jesse's life forever. Even if that means being stuck with the rest of you nut-balls."

Uncle Joey: "I know now that I've got what it takes to make it, and that you all believe in me no matter what."

"Did we cover everybody?," Donnie wanted to know.

Kimmy let out a burp. "I've learned that mushrooms on my pizza give me major - "

"GIBBLER!"

"Well, you wanted something from everybody. I haven't been here for most of the other stuff, remember?"

"Alright, everyone, I think it's time for bed." Looking at the five men, Danny T added, "I'll let the big boys tuck themselves in."

"Goodnight, everyone!," Gibbler enthused. Tanner sr. grabbed Kimmy by the back of the shirt as she tried to head to the basement.

"Nice try, Kimmy. See you tomorrow," DJ said sympathetically.

"Yeah. See ya."

Five guys fell asleep and dreamt of all that had happened and all that was to come.


	20. It Ain't Over Til..

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Show-time!

Rehearsals began in earnest. The guys had slipped out as quietly as they could, not wishing to open any fresh wounds by saying goodbye all over again. They did, however, leave the info on how to pick up free tickets at the service desk. Danny Tanner appreciated organization, so the written instructions were as detailed and formal as they could be.

"Oh, man. I can't believe I've gotta wear this on stage!," Jordan moaned, looking at himself in the mirror. 

"A bet's a bet, baby bro," Jon reminded him, enjoying this way too much.

"Yeah, but, come on! I bet even Gibbler wouldn't be caught dead in this outfit!"

"Where do you think I got it from?," Jon teased, and Jordan made a face.

"Please tell me I'm not covering myself in Gibbler cooties," Joey begged.

"Nah. Those are from DJ and her friends. Nice, huh?"

"Who's Gibbler? And a DJ? DJ who?," Biscuit asked.

Jon put an arm around him. "It's a long story, my friend. Some other time."

Donnie had gone all out, choosing his own outfit, and Jon let out a whistle. "I think you're taking this rather well, D."

Donnie blushed, adjusting the hem of his skirt, which was a little too short, and yet.. "Yeah, well. I lost the bet, so. Whatever." Play it off.

Danny looked like a linebacker making a desperate bid to escape the law by dressing as a woman. "This has got to be the worst forfeit in the history of bets."

"Oh, Danielle, it could be so much worse. Besides, it's just for a few minutes; then we'll all be back to normal."

That was mostly true; one or two of them, having had a taste of the forbidden, would never be the same.

\-------------------------------------------

The Tanners had made their way to the venue. They weren't front row, but getting a spot a few rows back, especially given the size of their party, had taken a miracle to arrange (a miracle involving begging, bribing, and possibly bedding some of the fans who'd agreed to switch seats). 

"This is so cool! Your family has the best adventures. Have I mentioned lately how my parents don't want me, and you could totally adopt me?," Kimmy said, only half-joking.

"Yes, Kimmy. And, yeah, they are pretty cool - even though they embarrass me constantly." Like right now, when her dad was busy inflating a beach ball for the crowd to play with. Michelle was singing "Oh oh oh oh oh" over and over, and they hadn't even turned down the lights yet. Joey was yukking it up with people around them, while Stephanie was holding up a sign that was almost as big as she was, which DJ hadn't bothered to read - some dorky little-kid slogan, she guessed, complete with spelling mistakes. Jesse was talking about the instruments - as if that was what mattered! At least Becky was acting like a cool fan; that night, she could've passed for DJ's older sister.

Finally, the music started, and the lights dimmed. It was an amazing show, and knowing what nobody else there knew - that these men had slept at their house and eaten pizza with them and helped them with their homework and made them feel special - made it so much better. 

It was almost time for Kimmy's favorite song: Please Don't Go Girl. Stephanie held up her sign with Michelle's help, waving it back and forth obnoxiously, almost hitting DJ in the face.

When Joey got the attention of Robo and Biscuit and pointed toward her family, DJ's heart dropped. "Steph, what did you DO? Are they gonna kick us out?"

DJ looked at the sign: PLEASE PULL MY SISTER AND GIBBLER ON STAGE THEY LOVE YOU. LOVE, STEPHY AND MICHELLE.

DJ was stunned. "I'm.. I'm.. I'm gonna kill you! I'm gonna hug you to death, you little sneaks!"

Security hauled all the ladies up one by one - Becky, DJ, Stephy, Michelle, and yes, even Gibbler. Each girl was ushered to a stool to be serenaded by a New Kid. It was more than even Stephanie had thought to ask for. DJ got Donnie; Steph got Jordan; Michelle got Danny; Becky got Jon.. and Gibbler got her man.

As the song ended, all five women had tears in their eyes. Joey, all earnestness, looked at Gibbler and said, "Please don't go, girl."

That did it - it was on like Donkey Kong.

She threw her arms around him as if needing help down from the stool - but in a surprise move (which, in retrospect, everyone should've totally seen coming), she dipped him and laid one on him - right on the lips. Joey, too stunned to move at first, let it happen, but when he felt a tongue trying to breach his mouth, he righted himself, gently wresting her arms free as he did so. Kimmy was exultant, and the crowd was going berserk. As security helped the ladies back to their seats, every New Kid was laughing - even Joey.

They made out like bandits: t-shirts, hats, programs, and all kinds of other goodies that would so never be going on ebay. However, there was no such thing as a kid-friendly after party, and besides, the girls had to get to bed, weekend or not. As the Tanners rode home that night, confetti in their hair (Dad was taking that rather well, with only the occasional OCD twitch to give him away) and the screams of thousands of fans ringing in their ears, each of them thought about how lucky they were to be experiencing this thing called life.

DJ was the happiest of all. "I have the best little sisters in the whole world," she thought, "the best family, period. And every family needs a Gibbler." As she thought of her time with the New Kids, she realized, "Even if we never see them again, for one week at least, I had the five best friends a girl could wish for."

The End


End file.
